Staying in love is a real challenge, a challenge that harder because of all the nonsense about love that has filled our heads over the years.
Here are the four main myths about love
Myth 1: the perfect partner.
There is the right man or woman out there, it's just a matter of waiting and you will find someone who will fulfill all your fantasies and needs and you will live together in eternal bliss. The truth is, there is no such thing as the perfect match, and there is no such thing as the perfect couple. But how hard is it to let go of this idea? How hard is it to stop comparing your partner to others? Stop fantasizing about the partner you could have, or would have had, or should have had? Answer: Very difficult for most normal humans. But things don't have to stay that way, change is possible if you want it. Just take a moment to ask yourself what is it costing you to be captured by these thoughts? How much anger, frustration and disappointment does it create in you?
Myth 2: you complete me!
This is a very useless idea to believe in! If you marry this myth you act like you are incomplete without your partner, then you are in trouble. You may be needy, dependent on the other, with the fear of being alone, all aspects not favorable to a healthy relationship. The good news is that each of us is already complete on their own!
Myth 3: love should be easy.
When you live for an extended period of time with another human who has:
- different thoughts and feelings,
- different interests,
- different expectations regarding housework, sex, money, parenthood, holidays, quality of time,
- different styles to communicate and express yourself,
- different reactions to things they like, scare or hate,
- different needs for food, sport, sex, entertainment,
- different standards for cleaning order, friends, relatives with whom you do not get along very well,
- habits and oddities of life that annoy you ...
… Should it be easy ?!
Of course, our minds are quick to point out that if our partners were more compatible, if they weren't that different from us, then our relationships would be much easier. But then we are back to the myth of the perfect partner. The fact is, there will always be significant differences between you and your partner in some or many areas of life. This is why relationships aren't easy. They require communication, negotiation, compromise and a lot of acceptance of differences. This is a great challenge. But as long as you expect your partner to think, he feels, reacts as you are predisposing yourself to disappointment and frustration. Now there is no denying: some couples have more in common than others. And let's face it, if you are both madly passionate about mountains it will be much easier to agree and plan your holidays than if one of you loves sunbathing on the beach and the other hates doing it. But no matter how much you have in common, there will always be differences that will challenge you.
Myth 4: eternal love.
Does eternal love really exist? This is a very complicated question. Usually, when people talk about love, they are talking about an emotional state, a mix of thoughts, feelings and sensations. The problem with defining love this way is that feelings don't last very long. Just as clouds change all the time, so too do our emotions. Therefore, as long as we define love with a feeling, it can never be eternal. Certainly, in the early moments of a relationship, feelings of love are more intense, last longer, and return faster than later. This is called the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship. It doesn't last long, an average of 6-18 months for most relationships, rarely if ever, beyond three years. And when it ends, we generally experience a sense of loss. In fact, when the "honeymoon phase" ends, many people break up with their partners saying they are no longer in love. This is a big shame, because what few people realize is that an authentic relationship usually only develops once the honeymoon phase is over. In the "honeymoon phase" it is as if you are under the influence of a drug. But you are not seeing reality: you are simply seeing substance-induced fantasy. Only when the drug wears off do you see your partner as he really is. Of course this causes a bit of a shock, but herein lies the opportunity to build an authentic intimate relationship between two people who really see each other for who they are, and but as this relationship develops, there will be new feelings of love. Perhaps not as intense but infinitely richer and more satisfying. So instead of thinking of love as a feeling, think of love as an action, as something you can do beyond how you feel. It is not easy, you need to let go of thoughts and emotions in order to act. The fact that you can act with love even when you don't feel love gives you a sense of mastery and control over what our life is about. Because while feelings of love are fleeting and largely out of our control, actions of love can be taken anytime, anywhere for the rest of life.