Gaslighting is when someone manipulates someone into questioning and disbelieving their own thoughts, feelings and reality. The truth is, we all may have gaslit someone without even meaning it, but when it’s happening regularly, such as in a relationship, it can lead to serious long-term effects.
Examples of gaslighting:
- Deflecting the blame: gaslighters will do all they can to make you think that you are the cause of the problem. For example, you find out your partner is cheating on you and they blame you for not having sex enough, or showing enough attention, they’re deflecting the blame onto you = gaslighting.
- Discredit: Being constantly told that you are crazy or stupid is a common tactic. It makes you and others think that your opinions, thoughts and feelings should not be trusted. E.g., you tell them that they did something that hurt you, and they reply by telling that you must be stupid to think that, as it never happened or you imagined it.
- Minimising your feelings: Have you ever been told that you are overreacting? Have you ever been told that you are too emotional? Do you avoid telling someone your true feelings because you worry about their reaction? When done constantly this is gaslighting. E.g., you express that they hurt your feelings, and they either get angry at you for trying to make them feel bad, or call you dramatic and tell you to calm down and stop bringing it up.
- Lying and denying: Lying is a core trait of gaslighting, and if you are caught deny, deny, deny. Not being able to take any accountability for your actions is a huge problem and signifies lack of willingness to change, improve or better yourself.
Effects of gaslighting
- Lack of self confidence and belief your feelings :reality;
- Becoming Isolated from other loved one’s;
- Feeling reliant on them, as if you are unworthy and useless on your own;
- Constantly confused, worried and anxious about the relationship;
- You put your feelings behind theirs and apologize a lot!
What to do if you think you’re being gaslighted?
Step away from the person and get some perspective. This can help you see manipulation from reality. If the gaslighter understands and accepts your decision, start creating a healthier relationship with boundaries, and if you can, go to therapy. Many of us have unhealthy relationship habits we need to unlearn, but we all can get better.
Remember, no relationship is worth your health. So, if the gaslighter is not willing to see, change or accept it, try to walk away. You need to put yourself first, and that can mean cutting off the relationship, no matter who it is. You don't have to do it alone and if you need help, feel your not safe, or need support, contact a trusted person, a professional or your local domestic violence hotline.
You are not alone to blame. Gaslighting and any other form of abuse can happen to anyone, no matter gender, sexuality, race, age, etc, and in any kind of relationship.