Assertiveness is a communicative style, from the Latin "asserere" to affirm, to support strongly. It is about being able to express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs and opinions in an open way without violating the rights of others. Other communication styles opposed to assertiveness are aggressive and passive. There is also the passive-aggressive style. This is the case with someone who is essentially aggressive but expresses it passively or indirectly. For example, someone might be angry but not manifest it in an overtly aggressive way by yelling but sulking or slamming the door.
Let's quickly see the definitions:
The passive individual renounces the expression of thoughts and emotions and submits to the will of the other;
The aggressive one, on the other hand, expresses them by taking into account only their own point of view and in a logic of struggle for power, directly and indirectly attacks the interlocutor;
The individual who communicates assertively, on the other hand, expresses his own thoughts and emotions in respect of the interlocutor and is willing to reach an agreement with the latter. This communication strategy helps to deal effectively with most conflict situations and therefore becomes a very useful tool for the optimal management of interpersonal relationships.
What are the effects of not being assertive?
The main consequence of not being assertive is that it can lead to low self-esteem. If we communicate passively we are not communicating what we really feel or think. This means that we end up consenting and satisfying the needs of others rather than our own. This can lead to a lack of goals and a feeling of not being in control of our own lives.
If we never express ourselves openly and hide our feelings and thoughts, we can feel tense, stressed, anxious or resentful. It can also lead to unhealthy and uncomfortable relationships. We will feel like the people around us don't really know us.
If, on the other hand, we constantly communicate aggressively, we risk losing friends and people will lose respect for us. And this again can lead to low self-esteem.
There is a great deal of research examining the negative impacts of lack of assertiveness, people who are more assertive tend to be less depressed and have better health.
How can we become assertive?
Assertiveness is an acquired behavior and a style of thinking. We are all born assertive. Think of a child. Babies cry when they want something, they express emotions freely. Then, they gradually adapt their behaviors to adapt to the responses they receive from the environment, that is, the responses they receive from family, peers, work colleagues, authorities. For example, if your family and group deal with problems by shouting and arguing, then you may have learned to deal with conflict that way. Or, if your family has taught you that you always have to please others before yourself, then you may find it difficult to be assertive about your needs. Or if your family or peer group believes that negative emotions should not be expressed, ignores or ridicules you if you do, then you will quickly learn not to express negative emotions.
What prevents us from being assertive?
Several factors can stop us from being assertive:
COUNTERPRODUCTIVE BELIEFS: We may have unrealistic beliefs and negative self-assertions about being assertive, about our ability to be assertive or about things that could happen if we were assertive. This is often the root cause of why we are not assertive.
Examples of these beliefs are:
• It is indifferent, rude and selfish to say what you want.
• If I become assertive, I will disturb others and ruin our relationships.
• It would be terribly embarrassing if I said what I think.
LACK OF SKILLS: It may be that we do not possess the verbal and non-verbal skills to be assertive. We could watch other people be assertive and admire their behavior but without having an idea of how to be like that too.
ANXIETY AND STRESS: It may be that we know how to be assertive but we become so anxious that we freeze. We may be so stressed that we can no longer think or behave clearly.
ASSESSMENT OF THE SITUATION: It may be that we don't really know what behavior to use in a specific situation. There are three main mistakes people can make when evaluating situations. We can confuse a firm assertion with aggression; we can mistake non-statements for good manners or we can mistake non-statements for being helpful.
CULTURAL AND GENERATIONAL INFLUENCES: There may also be cultural and generational influences on our behavior. For example, in some cultures assertiveness is not as valued as it is in Western society. If you come from one of these cultures, it is important to evaluate the pros and cons of being assertive in particular situations. You may find that the pros of living according to your cultural values are more important than the pros of being assertive. Even older generations may find it difficult to be assertive. Men were once told that it was a sign of weakness to show their emotions and women that it was aggressive to assert their needs and opinions. Beliefs of a lifetime, like these, can be hard to change but they can be changed!
Our assertive rights
Assertive rights are the rights we all have as human beings. Some of these rights are:
- You have the right to judge your behavior, thoughts and emotions and to take responsibility for their initiation and the consequences on you.
- You have the right to say no.
- You have the right not to give explanations or excuses to justify your behavior.
- You have the right to judge whether you are responsible for finding solutions to the problems of others.
- You have the right to change your mind.
- You have the right to disagree with the opinions of others.
- You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
- You have the right to say “I don't know”.
- You have the right to be inconsistent in making decisions.
- You have the right to say "I don't understand".
- You have the right to say “I don't care”.
An important part of these rights is that they are tied to responsibilities. You may have noticed that the first right says that you have the right to have your own thoughts, behaviors and emotions but then you must take responsibility for the consequences of these thoughts and behaviors. People often think they are behaving assertively but are ignoring the consequences of their actions and the rights of others. This is more typical in an aggressive communication style.
Many of the ideas associated with assertiveness training were proposed in Manuel J. Smith's book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," published in 1975.